Fire and Ice
by jlf44
Summary: Takes place after newborn battle. Bella contemplates her relationship with both Edward and Jacob.


**Disclaimer: all characters owned by Stephenie Meyer.**

**My first fanfic so please review and let me know what you think! :)**

I had finally cracked. When I first met Edward he was _perfect, _the ultimate vision of beauty. I was in awe of everything about him. From his boyish good looks to his turn-of-the-century gentlemanly manner, I fell for him completely and irrevocably.

When I first met Jacob, he was an awkward and uncoordinated teenage boy, who easily fell for my poor attempts of flirting. He was cute and sweetly naïve, but that was the end of it.

But now, things had changed.

Gone were the days where I would literally swoon just at the sight of Edward. Gone were the days when I forgot to breathe just at the sight of his crooked smile. Gone was the old Bella Swan, and like the old me, my love for Edward had begun to fade away.

I had never felt good enough for Edward, and had made no secret of the fact. It saddened him that I felt that way, but I couldn't help it. My insecurities as a human were only intensified when I was forced to stand with the Cullens. The beautiful, graceful, _perfect _Cullens.

With Jacob, I had never felt that way. Right from the first time we spoke, I even felt confident enough around him to shamelessly flirt with him to get the information I needed. When I had first gone to him with the bikes, I was a mess. I had no self-esteem, no confidence at all after Edward had left me cold in the woods. But Jacob had become the one person I could completely be myself around, without fear of rejection. He had warmed me with his smile and his whole attitude to life.

But now, over a year after my first meeting with Edward that fateful day in the science lab, Ifelt sad. Looking back on the way I had behaved since I came to Forks, I felt incredibly sad and angry about the person I had become.

_Poor Charlie! _I couldn't help but think over and over again. His only child had finally come back to him, and he had been so excited when I first arrived. But what kind of daughter had I been? I had barely spent time with him without Edward being there too, and he made no secret of his dislike for my supernatural love. I had made him into a nervous wreck after my zombie period, what with the screaming nightmares and unresponsive behaviour for months on end. Add to that the various times I had disappeared on him, and I wouldn't blame him for cursing the day I came back to Forks.

But Charlie wasn't my only regret. Edward's behaviour towards me was always chivalrous and protective in my eyes. How could I have been so blind? I had practically let the 108 year old vampire rule my life from the moment he had stepped into it.

Since Edward came into my life, I have been under almost constant protection from at least one member of his family. My attempting to walk down the stairs alone was about as scary to Edward as the prospect of vampires following me around should have been to me. Now that I let myself think about my relationship with Edward, there was one perfect word I could think to describe it.

S_uffocating._

Ironic that, when I thought of my relationship with Jacob, I would describe it as 'easy as breathing'.

After following my every move for months on end, Edward had taken it upon himself to leave me 'for my own good'. My behaviour after he left was entirely my fault and I am utterly embarrassed by it, but who gave him the right to make my choices for me? The first major decision he made for me was that I would be safer without him, which was wrong because Victoria still came after me.

The biggest mistake I made? Taking him back. Since Edward's return, I don't think I've been allowed to make one decision for myself.

"I'll go to college in Alaska." _No, Dartmouth._

"Can I see my best friend?" _No, he's dangerous._

"When will I be changed?" _After we get married._

"When will we have sex?" _After we get married._

I mean, marriage? What was I thinking? I had despised the very concept of marriage ever since Renee divorced Charlie and led me through her string of unsuccessful relationships, leaving me to pick up the pieces. I had never thought about marriage even for in the distant future, so why was I now going to get married at 18? Now that I had time to think about it, the fact that Edward was making me compromise so that he would be the one to turn me, I was incredibly angry. Shouldn't he have _wanted _to change me himself if he loved me as much as he said he did?

My mind wandered through all of this as I sat in Jacob's bedroom, my head in my hands and my face streaked with tears. Jacob was hurt: _really hurt_ thanks to Victoria's newborns, yet I had made my way here to break his heart. I had become a worse kind of monster than Jacob and Edward combined.

The more I let my mind wander, the stronger my confusion had become. At first my plan was to check he would be alright, tell him that the kiss had changed nothing, then leave. However, I had now been sitting in his room for hours, just watching his sleeping form and letting myself think about my life in a different way.

Finally, Jacob regained consciousness and I watched as my grin spread across his face when he spotted me in his room. The sunniness quickly disappeared from his face when he noticed my expression.

"Bells? What's wrong?" he asked, making an attempt to come towards me and groaning in pain.

I pushed him back to lie on the bed, and wiped my eyes. "I have some things I need to say, and I need you to just listen. Can you do that?"

He nodded, looking both nervous and confused. I could tell he was trying to prepare himself for the worst.

"When you kissed me… no, when we kissed each other… I had a kind of…" I trailed off, unsure how to explain what my mind had shown me as Jacob walked away from me to join the battle. "I saw things, Jake. Me and you; a future, a family… I saw our kids, Jake."

I stared at him for a long moment, unsure how to proceed. He looked pained, not knowing where our conversation was headed. I had had more than enough of seeing Jacob Black in pain because of me, so I quickly barrelled on.

"I want it."

He looked at me in confusion, his brow furrowed. "You want what, Bella?"

"You. And everything that comes along with you. I know you haven't imprinted, and it scares me to death but… I just can't live my life without you, whether it's a thousand years or ten."

His sunshine grin burst across his face once more, bigger than I'd ever seen it. "You'd better get over here honey, 'cause I need to hug you whether it breaks all my bones again or not."

I grinned and threw myself at him, snuggling up against his hot, half-naked body on his too-small bed. He placed his good arm tightly around me, kissing the top of my head.

"You have no idea how happy this makes me, Bells."

I smiled, knowing I had never felt this happy in all my time with Edward. Finally, I had made the right choice. My future no longer looked long and perfect, but I knew I would always be surrounded by those I loved the most.

"I love you, Jacob Black."

"I love you, Bella Swan. Now take that damn ring off!"


End file.
